The Ceremony before the Ceremony... again
I wrote this note on April 11 while in the airport.... Here are my musings xx
I am typing this note in the Cairo airport, in the arrivals hall, as I still have five hours to wait for my sidekick and Medicine sister Timmie to land. I have been awake for almost 24 hours now.. and there is so much rattling in my brain, I thought I would type it out and share my musings with you.
What I have come to understand over the last 15 years is that the ceremony actually begins before the ceremony. I see Egypt as a ceremony. I have come here to pray. I have come here to listen. I have come here to unlearn. And I have come here to learn..
But before any big ceremony or prayer in my life – shit always hits the fan. I get soo tested. And often it is the land testing me, checking in with me to see if I have the capacity for what is waiting for me. It’s as if the land asks me, “Do you really want to do this?” and gives me an out to see if I will take it.
When I volunteered and supported the Land of the Dancing Deer at Six Nations of the Grand River, every time before a fire ceremony, all sorts of things would go down for me in the first year, especially getting lost on the reserve and having to follow the Red Tail Hawks to guide me. Every time before I leave for Peru, I have a big cry and a big feeling and question it all.
The week leading up to our departure was no different. I felt a melancholy fall over me. I felt sluggish. I felt gray. I felt like I was the epitome of ‘meh’. Everyone kept asking me if I was excited, and I was flat-lining almost as if I didn’t want to open myself up to what may be waiting for me on this pilgrimage.
One thing is for certain: I always feel a sense of guilt leaving my husband behind. I think people on the outside often see me as “galivanting” here and there, and think I am on vacation rather than acknowledging that I am working, or that I am in service. As you can imagine, if you have a partner who leaves the country a few times a year, runs local weekend retreats a few times a year and works in the evenings regularly, that can test a couple when your scheduling doesn't align.
When I am working, when I am deep in my service, my teaching or my prayers, I don’t call home. I am pretty focused on the ceremony. It takes a strong and confident partner to support someone like me. And although I know I have his unwavering support, there is a guilt that ripples through me when I am about to leave. That I am leaving all the responsibilities of running our home, managing our dogs, managing our admin bits and bobs and all the little things that can happen when you have multiple projects on the go.
On top of my regular human guilt of leaving home, there is always the TEST that starts to show up a few days before. Usually, it is in the form of some sort of travel challenge or hiccups that can throw your nervous system into a tizzy. Through the years, and with my relationship to my breath, what used to throw me into a panic, I am now able to take in stride. Absolutely because of my breath, but also my faith in my path and my devotion to it.
The teachings of water that I walk with are about surrender and trust, and so now I simply trust completely what is unfolding, and often I KNOW that I do not have the macro understanding of what is taking place. The Invitation always : Can you let go of what you think is supposed to happen (i.e., travel ect) and trust that the journey is playing out exactly as your ceremony requires?
Within 24 hours of all of us leaving to meet in Cairo and begin our pilgrimage, our third sister ended up losing her flight from Lima for a variety of reasons… ok.. we breathed, we tried to figure it out. Logistics were not easy. And then we were two… and then we realized our first hotel did not get confirmed lol we still needed a place to lay our heads when we landed… and so we breathed some more. And got a new hotel.
And then Timmie’s flight was delayed, and then delayed some more – so now instead of arriving within 15 mins of each other, I had a 9-hour wait. And so we breathe some more because all is ok…and once I landed this morning, Merav has found a flight and will meet us in a few days in Aswan...
So… the tests show up. The Ceremony begins before you step into the formal ceremony. If we freak out about it, we start to spiral into fear and all the stories, and you get further from the purpose of your prayer and your ceremony. If you can stay in your centre, stay with your breath, and just know that your ceremony has begun, you will find the teaching in every moment.
As we were taking off last night, there was soo much water coming off the plane, I couldn’t see out the window, and I just smiled because I could hear the water reminding me to trust. Trust the teachings of the water. Trust the pilgrimage as the medicine and the ceremony that we are in.
Tomorrow we have an early morning, short jaunt flight to Aswan where we will begin our journey. We begin with Isis, and we will start by greeting and praying with the water, the Nile. This entire journey is a water pilgrimage, and I know I will have lots to share when I am on the other side of this, and I have integrated whatever needs to be integrated.
Wherever you are on your journey, remember that the ceremony always starts before the formal ceremony.
I live my life to be an embodied example of what I teach. I will always share with you my journey, because many of you are simply three steps behind me. Embodiment is a living practice, and I will continue to strive to walk in a good way, to share the journey with you. For some, it will be through formal teaching and mentorship, for others, it will be in ceremonies and for many, it will simply be through the little notes that I share from time to time.
Keep walking forward.
Use your breath to find your centre when you feel the ceremony has begun, and and asks if you are still in it and still committed.
You got this!
This is the Prayer.
LIFE is the CEREMONY.
SONG: All My Life Is a Ceremony | Doe Paoro
As always, thank you for being here in this community!
x Rebecca
